Words We Never Said
by JavisTG
Summary: AN: Katniss and Peeta talk after the war. Written on Tumblr for the following prompt: Post-mj: Everlark apologizing for saying horrible things to each other in MJ Canon compliant.


**Words We Never Said**

 _Almost there_ , Katniss thought as her slow, tired steps carried her home.

She was halfway through the paved road which crossed Victors' Village when she noticed Peeta sitting on the wooden swing on his front porch.

A small smile curved his lips as he looked out into the sky. The swing rocked back and forth following the lazy movement of his feet.

Katniss stopped for a moment to take him in. He hadn't been back for very long, but he was already looking better. His hair was longer, and a healthy glow had returned to his cheeks.

He must have felt her eyes on him because he turned in her direction. "Hey!" he called out.

"Hi!" Tilting her head towards the forest, she asked, "Waiting for the sun to set?"

"Yup." With a wave of his hand, Peeta indicated the empty seat next to him. "Care to join me?"

"Sure!" Katniss walked up the steps to his porch and sat down next to him on the swing.

With a gentle push, Peeta got the swing moving again. Katniss dropped her hands on her lap and relaxed into her seat. Her feet dangled limply, easily following the rocking motion.

A comfortable silence settled over the two victors as they watched a flock of blue jays fly by. The small birds flapped their wings furiously as they looked for a place to spend the night.

Pale pink hues had started to crisscross the sky when Peeta spoke again. "Can I ask you something?"

Katniss nodded.

He turned to look at her. "Why did you shoot the force field?"

Like a bolt of lightning, Peeta's words scorched a path straight through her thoughts, shattering her peace and filling her with dread.

Katniss stiffened in her seat. Shocked. Her heart raced in her chest as she tried to figure out why he had brought the subject up.

Her panicked eyes found his. They were clear and serene, softened by the dim light of dusk; there was no fear, no animosity there, just curiosity, doubt.

Gradually, Katniss's heart settled down. As her mind stopped racing, one more thought crossed her mind. _It's a reasonable question, one the old Peeta would have asked._

Tearing her gaze away, she imagined him waiting in a cell in the Capitol in the days before the hijacking. She could almost see him turning circles in his mind as he tried to make sense of her actions and her words; desperately trying to piece his memories of their last moments in the arena back together.

 _This is Peeta,_ she reminded herself, _my ally. My partner. My friend. He deserves to know what happened._

With a deep breath, she steeled herself for the pain of going back to the arena.

Pushing all the air out of her lungs, Katniss allowed her mind to go back to that moment. Like in a dream, she saw herself standing before Beetee with Peeta's knife clutched in her hand -she could even hear her ragged breaths as she struggled to understand what was happening around her.

Too afraid to face the pain in Peeta's eyes, she kept her eyes on her lap. "Everything happened so quickly. I was disoriented, and I was losing blood." Lifting up her sleeve, Katniss found the ugly scar Johanna's ax had left on her arm -right below the crook of her elbow- on the spot where her tracker used to be.

Her index finger followed the line of puckered skin. "Time was running out. I could hear the insects dying out on their wedge. Beetee was lying in front of me. He was twitching on the ground, unable to speak."

She turned to face Peeta. He was sitting as still as a statue with his hands on his lap -they were clasped so tightly his knuckles were turning white. There was a small crease between his eyes, sure sign that he was following her every word.

"One of your knives was lying on the ground beside him. The handle had been wrapped in the golden wire -I think Beetee had tried to stab the force field with it. That's when I heard you calling out my name."

"You yelled back," Peeta said, "Real?"

"Real."

"Why?"

She reached for her braid. It was limp and brittle, but she could still wrap it around her finger. "I thought if I gave away my location the others would come looking for me."

Peeta pressed his lips together. With a shaky exhale, he nodded and turned away.

Katniss went on, "There was a second cannon, and then I heard your voice again, but I didn't call back this time. Beetee was out of commission and Finnick, and Enobaria were standing just a few feet away, but they hadn't seen me yet." Tears pooled in her eyes at the memory of Finnick standing by the tree. Pinching the bridge of her nose, she pushed the image away. "The lightning was about to strike, and I knew that if I took one of them out the force field would take care of the rest. I figured that would leave you with only one more tribute to kill."

Peeta slumped forward. Resting his elbows on his knees, he buried his hands in his hair. "Just one," he whispered in a broken voice.

Her stomach dropped. She didn't want to talk about this anymore. It was awful to hear herself saying these things -to remember she had considered killing Finnick, that she hadn't cared about what happened to Johanna- but she hadn't known she had a choice at the time. She had only been trying to stay alive. _No_ , she corrected herself, _I was trying to keep Peeta alive._

"I didn't know who was left," she admitted, "but I thought that was the very best I could do for you. No matter what, I knew you could handle one more contender."

Peeta straightened up. Shock and pain evident in his deep blue eyes. "You were helping me?"

Katniss felt her chest constrict under the weight of his sorrow. Fighting back her tears, she nodded.

Peeta's voice was a ragged, trembling whisper. "What made you change your mind? Why didn't you shoot them?"

"Haymitch's words." At the look of confusion on Peeta's face, Katniss explained, "On the night of our last interview, he asked me to remember who the real enemy was. The words didn't mean much at the time but, standing there -in front of Finnick and Enobaria- I finally understood. Only one enemy mattered."

Peeta's eyes hardened. "Snow."

Katniss nodded. "He had us trapped in there, -doing his dirty work for him- and it suddenly occurred to me that, maybe, if I blew the whole place apart, I'd make him pay." Looking into Peeta's eyes, she silently begged him to understand. "I honestly didn't think I was coming out of there alive, Peeta. I never even imagined that was an option."

Gingerly, Katniss placed a hand on Peeta's arm. With a sad smile, he covered it with one of his.

Like sunlight streaming through the window after a long dark night, the soothing warmth of Peeta's touch quickly spread through Katniss's arm. It reached her chest, her heart, her soul.

Closing her eyes for an instant, she let the feeling of closeness envelop her, losing herself in the contact she had missed so much.

She couldn't believe they were there -in a place where they could share a peaceful moment that was real and comforting, meant only for the two of them.

Looking tenderly at him, she said, "If I had known what was about to happen, I would have never done it. Never, Peeta. I wanted to crush him, but the last thing I wanted was for him to take you away." Trying to keep her voice from shaking, she added, "I'm sorry I walked away. I should have stayed with you. I should never have left them separate us."

Peeta shook his head. "I was there too. You're not the only one to blame, Katniss."

"Maybe, but I was the one who said it was ok." Squeezing his arm, she insisted, "I gave into them. You were just following my lead."

Peeta pursed his lips. He didn't want to get into a big argument, but he wasn't about to give up without a fight either. "Still, I'm sorry I left." He tightened his hold on her hand. He knew Katniss wasn't going to like his next words, but he still pushed them out. "I'm also sorry about everything that happened after -when we were in Thirteen."

Katniss frowned. Using her free hand, she wiped away the tears which were now streaming down her cheeks. "I am too." Her voice was small and filled with regret when she admitted, "I was so mean to you."

"You were just protecting your-,"

"No," she interrupted, shaking her head vigorously. "That's no excuse! If our roles had been reversed, you wouldn't have abandoned me. You would have stayed by my side and fought for me. You would have treated me kindly. You wouldn't have lashed out at me. You wouldn't have treated me like I had done something wrong." She was almost yelling at this point, determined to make him see how much she regretted the things she'd done.

Letting go of him, she covered her face with her hands and began to sob. Her body trembled as her sorrow poured out of her.

Peeta's tender hand on her shoulder reminded her that she wasn't alone. Her next words were muffled and hoarse, but they reached Peeta's ears all the same. "You were confused and scared, and I was just being petty. I was angry at you because you didn't love me anymore."

Lowering his hand to her back, Peeta traced soothing circles over her jacket. "I thought that only made you uncomfortable."

Katniss straightened up and turned to look at him; one curious eyebrow raised in question. "What made me uncomfortable?"

"My feelings for you," he stated as matter-of-factly as if he'd been discussing the weather. "They made you uncomfortable. Real?"

Katniss sniffled. "Real."

"So, why would it bother you then? What difference did it make whether I still loved you or not?"

Katniss glared at him. "It made a difference!"

Peeta's eyebrows shot up. Letting go of her, he shrugged. "I'm sorry, but I don't get it. I'd think you'd be relieved."

Katniss huffed. This was a new conversation altogether. _Another one we never had_ , she realized, _one that might have made things easier for us in the past_.

Slowly, she emptied her lungs until she was practically out of air. Looking out onto the sunset, she thought, _what have I got to lose?_

Ignoring the tightness pressing down on her chest, she began, "Things were bad after my father died. My mother…" the words died on her lips, she didn't know how to explain what her mother had turned into. She had never tried before. "she would sit in a corner and stare at the wall all day long."

The bitter taste of bile seeped into her mouth. Dredging up the memories of those dark days was making her nauseous –especially when her own days of staring into the fire were still so fresh in her mind—but she refused to stop. Making sure Peeta understood why she had pushed him away was more important than some mild discomfort.

"I was terrified," she admitted, "but I was also mad at her for abandoning us like that. So, I made a resolution. I decided I didn't want to be like her. I decided I wouldn't fall in love."

"You thought that would keep you safe," Peeta said.

Safe. It seemed so childish now, the idea that she could control what happened to her; the notion that she had a say in her feelings, her heart.

Scowling at her own innocence, Katniss nodded. "After a while, I also started thinking about children, and about what would happen if I had a son or daughter and they were reaped. I don't know how people did it –bring children into the world when they knew they could end up in an arena- but I knew that was not for me. I wasn't willing to take that chance."

Katniss clasped her hands tightly over her lap and let out a ragged breath. "But then you came along -talking about childhood crushes and making all sorts of promises and vows— and you made it sound so easy. You… You made me feel safe."

Peeta placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. Katniss leaned into his touch wishing she could just wrap her arms around him and leave the conversation for another time, but it was too late. She couldn't turn back now.

Before he could say anything, she went on, "I hadn't felt that way since my father was alive and... I just didn't know what to do about it."

Peeta's voice was sad but steady. "You were scared."

"I had no control." She sighed. "Some days I was OK, but then there were times when I thought I could feel something for you too and…" Tears were pooling in her eyes once more. She blinked a few times to keep them from falling. "I just couldn't have that."

"So, you pushed me away."

"I tried," she admitted frustrated by the defeat in her voice. "I didn't do a very good job, though. You still sort of crept up on me."

"Katniss." Her name was a gentle caress in his hushed whisper. "Please look at me."

She did as he asked, wiping away her tears as she turned. He was sitting so close to her she could see the golden sunlight bouncing off his eyelashes; the light shining in his eyes.

A runaway tear raced down her cheek. With a steady hand, Peeta reached out and wiped it away.

"Is that why it mattered," he asked, "whether I loved you or not- because you cared about me?"

Longing to touch him, she ran her hand through his hair, pushing the blond waves away from his face. "There were times when I didn't care about anything else."

Peeta reached for her hands and gently cradled them in his. "Is that why you made that deal with Coin? Why you agreed to become the Mockingjay in exchange for my pardon?"

Katniss pulled back. "You know about that?"

Peeta nodded. "I found out about it in the Capitol -when I was in therapy. Plutarch came by one day and we talked about some stuff. He told me about your list of demands."

"I just wanted you to be safe." She sniffled. "I'm sorry it took me such a long time to figure out what Snow was doing to you. I should have seen it from the start. I should have known he'd take my actions out on you."

Hooking his finger under her chin, Peeta lifted her face. "I'm sorry I couldn't hold out longer. I wish-,"

"Peeta-,"

He brought his thumb to her lips and silenced her. "I know you don't want to hear this, but I need to say it, Katniss."

She huffed in protest, narrowing her eyes in annoyance, but didn't move.

Blinking back his tears, Peeta whispered, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry about the things I said and the things I did. I'm sorry I attacked you."

Katniss whimpered in protest, but he kept his finger where it was and pressed on, "I've seen the footage." Like flashes in a dream, the images came back to him. The joy in Katniss's eyes when she first saw him, the surprise as he turned to her, the despair as he slammed her against the wall.

"I don't know what you were expecting to find when you walked into that room, Katniss, but I'm sure that wasn't it." Fat tears stained his cheeks as he pushed himself to finally say the words which haunted him at night. "I betrayed you. I let you down."

Gently, Katniss wrapped her hand around Peeta's and pulled it away from her mouth. "I was looking for my friend." Lowering her gaze, she laced her fingers with his. "My partner."

Tightening his hold, Peeta brought their palms together.

The small gesture made her heart race. The tears in his eyes gave her the courage she needed to go on. "I thought you were going to wrap your arms around me, that you were going to hold me tight." A shaky sigh escaped her parted lips. "I wondered if you'd kiss me. I hoped you would."

Peeta's voice was soft, pained, full of regret, but it was his -sweet and tender- not the spiteful snarl of the Capitol mutt who had feared and hated her once. "But that's not what I did, was it? I didn't hold you or comfort you. I just wrapped my hands around your throat and squeezed." A small bitter laugh escaped his lips as the memories of those first few days in District 13 came back to him. "And, not happy with that, I hounded and insulted you every chance I got."

She reached for his face and wiped his salty tears away. "You were hijacked, Peeta. You were still recovering. You had no control over what you did."

"I know that!" Dejected, Peeta pulled away. He buried his hands in his hair and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. Feeling small and broken, he admitted, "I still hate myself for some of the things I said, for some of the things I did."

The balmy afternoon had grown cold. Katniss wrapped her arms around herself and whispered, "Well, I hate myself too."

Peeta's heart dropped, the last thing he wanted was for Katniss to hate herself –especially if it was for something connected to him.

He had never meant for their conversation to go this way, but now that it had he had to try and make the best of it. "Do you think that, maybe, that could make us even?"

Katniss patted her cheeks to clear away her tears. Her eyes sparkled with curiosity. "Even? How?"

Peeta shrugged. "Those were confusing times, Katniss. We were afraid and broken. I don't know about you but, I didn't really know who to trust."

Katniss nodded. Her memories of the underground district were all tainted by sorrow, doubt, and mistrust. Even her last days with Prim were all marred by the darkness of the hallways and corridors that held them like prisoners.

Peeta looked up onto the empty street and noticed the warm light spilling out from his neighbors' windows. Victors' Village was coming back to life. "We both did and said things we're not proud of," he mused, "but I think we've both moved on. So, I was thinking that maybe… We could let go of them together. We could promise to never do anything like that ever again. If you're willing."

Katniss smiled through her tears. "That's what friends do, isn't it? Forgive each other?"

Peeta's head bobbed up and down with absolute resolve. "Yeah, they help each other be better."

"Together."

"Together," he confirmed.

Katniss straightened in her seat. Looking suddenly very formal she offered a hand for him to shake. "OK."

Peeta searched her face. There was something about Katniss's change in demeanor that worried him. "Are you sure?"

"I am. I just need you to promise me something, though." At Peeta's encouraging nod, she continued, "Promise you won't let go."

Peeta reached for her outstretched hand and, in one fluid motion, wrapped his arm around her shoulder, and pulled her snuggly into his arms.

Without missing a beat, Katniss slipped her arms around him and buried her face in his chest.

For one perfect moment, everything in the world was set right.

Trying to keep his tears from seeping into his voice, Peeta vowed, "I'll never let go. I promise."

XXXXX

 **AN:** This is something I posted a few months back as part of my Everlark Snapshot Collection, but it's a bit long -all the other snapshots are 1,000 words or less- so I decided to post it separately.

I know there's been some discussion as to how much Katniss should have apologized for her behavior in D13. This small conversation might not seem enough for some, but it's what I came up with.

Hope you enjoyed it.


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